"American Horror Story" is back with a bang. And by bang, I mean f--king someone to death. "Coven," the third season of Ryan Murphy's campy horror anthology kicked off last night with "Bitchcraft," and it's safe to say there was a lot of bitching (courtesy of Emma Roberts) and a lot of crafting.

1834: Kathy Bates opened the premiere as the morbidly insane Madame Delphine LaLaurie, a real historical figure, hosting a dinner party at her extravagant New Orleans home in 1834. Everything was fine and dandy until we saw her smearing her face with the blood of her slaves, in an effort to make herself look younger.

Then, we were introduced to her torture chamber that was home to a bunch of...guess what...tortured slaves! It was probably the most disturbing opening of "AHS" yet, but the most campy, as LaLaurie ended up putting the head of a bull on her latest victim (he'd slept with her daughter) to recreate the Minotaur. LaLaurie has a tiny fascination with Greek mythology. 

At the end of the episode, we found out that the Minotaur had been the lover of Marie Laveau (Angela Bassett). She appeared at the end of the episode to give LaLaurie a love potion, but turns out it was poison. Take that, bitch.

Present day: Taissa Farmiga is back as Zoe, who just recently found out she's a witch. It's hereditary. Anyway, the way she found out was by having sex with her boyfriend and in turn, giving him a brain aneurysm. She was then whisked off to a New Orleans witch school by Myrtle (Frances Conroy, who was channeling Professor Trelawney) and introduced to fellow witches who are trying to control their powers. They included movie star Madison Montgomery (Emma Roberts), Queenie (Gabourey Sidibe) and Nan (Jamie Brewer, who played Addy in Season 1). We were also introduced to Sarah Paulson's Cordelia, the headmistress of the school (another "Harry Potter"-esque character).

Cornelia's goal is to teach them how to channel their powers in a way that's acceptable to society. If not, they'll end up meeting a fate that most witches do, which is getting burned at the stake.

Madison was immediately portrayed as the bitch of the group, and Roberts is already owning the role. Her superpower is killing people by moving objects with her mind, and she did so in this episode after a couple of frat boys raped her at a party. This is "AHS" so I didn't expect anything less than a gang rape scene, but the satisfying aftermath was flipping the frat bus while they were inside, killing all but two of them.

The event didn't turn out well for Zoe, who developed a crush on Kyle (Evan Peters), who didn't survive the bus incident and was the only good guy in the group. Peters, who is a staple on the show, obviously won't stay dead for long, because we're dealing with witches here. Zoe decided to own her superpower and literally f--k one of the rapists to death while in his hospital bed. This is only the first episode, guys.

We also can't forget Jessica Lange's Fiona, the supreme witch with all the powers and Cordelia's mother. Fiona has some issues, in that she wants to stay younger and she seemingly enjoys snorting coke. Cornelia literally told her to "die already," but Fiona wanted to stay and help these young witches use their powers, in a presumably different way than Cordelia.

Thanks to Nan's ability to communicate with the dead, Fiona was able to track down LaLaurie, who isn't actually dead. It's unclear how she was able to survive being buried underground for over 150 years, but something tells me it has to do with voodoo, coutersy of Laveau. Just a guess.

Charms

- The witch being burned at the stake was played by Lily Rabe, who's been featured in the last two seasons. Something tells me this isn't the last we'll be seeing of her.

- I'm really confused, but intrigued by the Minotaur. While it's clear he's the Rubber Man/Bloody Face of the season, it's unclear what he actually is. Was he killed and brought back to life as a Minotaur via witchcraft? We'll just have to wait and see because I'm getting a headache contemplating what's happening.

- One of Fiona's powers is literally sucking the youth out of men, as she showed us with the guy who wouldn't give her youth pills.

- Denis O'Hare is back as Spalding, the butler who so far doesn't speak.

- "C'mon, Mary Todd Lincoln. I'll buy you a drink."

- "Don't make me drop a house on you."

Verdict: Out of the three seasons, this was the best, most focused and funniest premiere. There are no random aliens or zombies popping up. There aren't too many characters we have to keep track of (yet). This season has made itself clear that it's about witches, witchcraft, voodoo and all of the above. The additions of Bates and Bassett are welcome, and Lange is as wicked (no pun intended) as ever.