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A Nude Hope: Star Wars in Porn, Burlesque, and R-Rated Fan Fiction through the Years

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First Posted: Feb 21, 2014 01:48 PM EST
Star Wars
(Photo : Star Wars Official Website)

Fan fiction is just as much a part of the Star Wars lexicon as Han, Luke, Leia and Darth Vader. The entirety of the Expanded Universe, when you think about it, is based on fan-fiction. But ever since the male sci-fi geeks of the world (and yes, even some female sci-fi geeks) saw Princess Leia in a gold metal bikini, there has also been an undercurrent of a different type of Star Wars fan-fic: the X-rated version known as Star Wars porn.

Fan fiction, or fanfiction (often abbreviated as fan fic, fanfic, or simply fic), is a broadly defined fan labor term for stories about characters or settings written by fans of the original work, rather than by the original creator. Works of fan fiction are rarely commissioned or authorized by the original work's owner, creator, or publisher; also, they are almost never professionally published. Due to these works' not being published, stories often contain a disclaimer stating that the creator of the work owns none of the original characters. Fan fiction is defined by being both related to its subject's canonical fictional universe and simultaneously existing outside the canon of that universe. Most fan fiction writers assume that their work is read primarily by other fans, and therefore tend to presume that their readers have knowledge of the canon universe (created by a professional writer) in which their works are based.

Fan fiction, however, is in a legal shade of gray -- some legal scholars argue that fan fiction isn't protected under the United States Constitution, others argue that it falls under the "Fair Use" doctrine. Whatever the case, the general rule of thumb is this: if it's unauthorized (in the case of the Star Wars universe, if it's not G Canon or G Canon-Approved, it's unauthorized), and you DON'T make money off of it, you're on safe ground.

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Which explains, then, the overwhelming success of the original Star Wars fan porn called Star Whores. Back when the Internet was in its nascent stages, Star Whores -- beautifully written by Jefferson Morris, who has now cut his hair, moved to Georgia, and got a job as a director of information technology -- was many a fan's first introduction to the amazingly awesome world of Star Wars fan-created porn. Of course, this was in the 1990's, so the prequels weren't out yet. And, as in the case of the original saga, the first installment was the most classic installment: "Last Tango on Tatooine," a hat-tip to the classic Last Tango in Paris movie which made EVERYONE look at butter in a whole different way, featured Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker having a totally different type of "mentor" relationship... think along the lines of the type of "relationship" that Justin Bieber and Usher (allegedly) have/had. (I said ALLEGEDLY, Mr. Raymond. Keep the lawyers at bay...)

What's more, it's filled with references, not only to Star Wars, but to various other movies in the pop culture zeitgeist (hence the title "Last Tango on Tatooine"). Unlike many of the fan-fiction stories out today, it's genuinely hilarious, if in a gallow's humor way (of course, it's only truly gallow's humor if the noose is around YOUR neck, so one has to wonder just what, or who, Morris was doing while he was in college).

Some classic lines (edited to fit a family-friendly website):

C3PO's oil bath feeling REALLY good: "C3PO stepped out the oil bath slowly, savoring the feeling ofhis newly-lubricated servomotors and gears sliding sensuously inplace. Ignoring the towel offered to him by R2 (who carefullyaverted his baleful blue eye), 3PO stepped demurely over to Luke."

How many a young girl (myself included) hoped Han Solo would approach her when the time was right: "Try smuggling this, kid. Beru said it was a treasure moreprecious than stolen data tapes." Han pulled his perfectly circumcised c**k out from behind his zipper. It glistened with pre-ejaculate, the urethra hanging slightly open like an expectant mouth. It reminded Luke of the new vaporator he had installed on the South Ridge last week, protruding from the landscape and hungrily sucking moisture from the parched Tatooine air."

And finally, my all-time favorite part -- the one and only way that "forbidden kiss" in Empire Strikes Back could have had the "ick" factor removed (this is a conversation between Han and Luke; Han commences the conversation): "Who's the chick? Wouldn't mind smuggling something in her."

"Some princess."

"A message for you? S**t, kid, I'd go for it."

"With my luck we're probably related."

"Well then, you think a princess and a guy like me..."

Luke blew a raspberry. "Probably only f***s other members of the Alderaanian royal family. Gotta preserve the bloodline."

Of course, with time and the release of other movies in the saga, the Star Whores saga was also updated with new installments, but while some were great (Spinchter of the Mind's Eye, a hat-tip to the first-ever Expanded Universe classic, Splinter of the Mind's Eye) and some were not-so-great (really, you couldn't come up with a better title than Menstrual Light and Magic?), the original installment is still the best, and to date, the Star Whores saga is the best X-rated fan fiction of all time. To read the complete Star Whores saga by Jefferson Morris, click here. (It goes without saying that this link is NSFW, unless you happen to work at Hustler Magazine...)

Subsequent Star Wars porn has hopelessly fallen short, and has only succeeded in feeding into the (false) notion that the only kind of sex a sci-fi geek has is with Rosie Palm & Her Five Friends (really, we have a LOT more than that...).

Consider, for example, Topless Robot's idea of Star Wars erotica: "Yikes! Here we goooooo!" Luke exclaimed and went racing to the bathroom. He sat his plump, white buttock down and delved into a People magazine. "ahhh... finally" he sighed with relief. 45 minutes passed and still no sign of release. HEP... Errrr... ahhhh! Christ when is this turd gonna pass!? He made every effort in his little boy body to expel this demon poo from his innards. He gripped the People magazine with all his might, nearly tearing the pages of the paparazzi section." (Isn't this the way EVERY porn should begin? Not to mention the fact that the words "little boy body" is NOTHING if not EXTREMELY disturbing, in a call-the-FBI type of way...)

And then there's Padme's Perfect Peach, written by Citizen Jess, who begins HER bit of "erotica" with the words "Once upon a time." ONCE UPON A TIME?! What is it with this scary trend of eroticizing child-like things? There is NOTHING sexy about this, people!

Finally, in case your mind wasn't warped enough from this rash of star-porn, consider Star Wars: The Restricted Files, which takes the Expanded Universe characters we've come to know and love, and puts them in REALLY uncomfortable spots including incest and inter-species sex.

To conclude this article with a bit of a mind cleanse, consider Australia's own Star Wars Burlesque, which features all of your favorite characters dancing, burlesque-style, in a sexy and fun way. You can check out the video below, which just might be worth a trip Down Under for all intents and purposes. 


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